i was afraid to be alone

leucadia @ 2004-05-23T15:45:00

2004-05-23T22:45:44Z

hopital new journal, please delete this and add that. merci beaucoup ♥

a place where the street meets the stream

2004-05-13T06:50:01Z

it's the middle of august and i can already see my breath. all my friends are passed out in their beds, restless from a full day, and i'm wide awake. alive and breathing, heart beating, eyes feeding to the channels on the television that i don't receive. i'd lay me down but my mind is not ready to shut off. my plate is clean but my stomach's empty, and there's no one in my bed, but there should be. i can hear the freeway, i can hear the signals changing colors, the racing cars and the fading moon, but my fading heart won't compromise a stopping time.

leucadia @ 2004-05-12T21:59:00

2004-05-13T05:04:45Z

have you ever tried holding your breath, up until the second-hand passes the nine? well, i've found myself a place to hide and all i've been doing is counting the seconds. you should see these walls, i've burned holes through them with my eyes, staring off, trying to see how far i can crawl. sometimes when the temperature is right i will sprawl myself out, belly-down, and stare through the cracks in the wood, hoping maybe i'll catch a glimpse of hell. my veins have felt colder, but my moods have been brighter, so i guess all is well.

hospital halls

2004-05-05T00:00:38Z

there is a war in my veins.

the ruiner

2004-04-30T05:51:40Z

overlapping with condolences
for the both of us
i'm sorry

hmm.

2004-04-21T03:19:56Z

an angel down
whose hands, like clouds, pour over me
the rise and fall of my white blood cell count
and the winter's tides are frozen
still waves of salt, clear like glass
such eloquent assertions
unfold, deconstruct, collide
pools of carcinogen
and i wonder how i've kept myself going
and i wonder where disintegrating will take me

leucadia @ 2004-04-09T00:26:00

2004-04-09T07:29:50Z

with hands like clouds and eyes like wires
we can stretch out our arms
and get lost in the ocean
and the sun will bleach our skin
and the stars will tumble about
and we can just not give a damn
gravity will pull us in
and the waves can throw us back out
but the moon at day will guide us back
we can stretch out our arms
and the ground will cave in beneath our feet
and we can sink in the earth
and our limbs will grow like roots
and we will become trees
nature can fuck you up
and so can the human heart
but finding your own way can make you stronger

leucadia @ 2004-04-04T23:44:00

2004-04-05T06:47:40Z

"another wasted weekend"

i'm barefoot and standing on wet grass
just waiting for the clouds to pass by
and there is a bird on the telephone wire
the one that runs along the wall of my backyard
and i try to exert all the pressure
that has slowly filled my hollow bones
but the sun is just too fucking bright
and the clouds are just too fucking white
and your smile just makes me weak
so for now i'll write you another letter
and save it for the next time
that i'm too low to raise my eyes

leucadia @ 2004-04-04T18:18:00

2004-04-05T01:21:02Z

"stratosphere"

it's those times when the covers
just won't go high enough over my head
and it's the times when i feel like
my veins are made of lead
it's like when the sun pours through the blinds
and hits the walls and just sits there
i feel like i'm going nowhere
and i've traced over enough maps to know
that this city is made of dead ends

leucadia @ 2004-04-04T01:38:00

2004-04-04T09:41:49Z

"antique"

i'd like a front yard full of ivy
and the back can be the ocean
and we will lean over the railing
and find ourselves in the water

we can kiss our reflections
and paint over the sky
and wish that it really wasn't blue
and we can drop our hearts into the pacific

i will tie rocks to both our shoes and we can sink to the bottom
and pull ourselves back up with the sunrays beaming through the sea top

the weight of the water will break you
but not like smog can
in the hazy depths of this valley

sometimes i think i'm better off in
some place i've never heard of

leucadia @ 2004-04-04T01:26:00

2004-04-04T09:30:02Z

i can't help it but you remind me of the rain. and i wonder if anyone will ever feel the same way for you. and i wonder if i will ever feel the same way towards anyone else. and i wonder if i will be able to get this off my mind. and i cross my fingers and close my eyes, i lay down and clench my sheets, i imagine staring into someones eyes. these thoughts won't even stay out of my dreams. just for once, i want to feel everything mutually.

leucadia @ 2004-03-30T21:19:00

2004-03-31T05:22:20Z

my dearest halogen,
all the sunsets you've caught in your palms and the stars that seep from the pores in your skin, all the spiders in your veins, they're surfacing. your eyes are beaming.

leucadia @ 2004-03-27T20:05:00

2004-03-28T04:08:30Z

if you could just make me shine
then maybe we could finally light up this desert inside my chest

leucadia @ 2004-03-24T22:58:00

2004-03-25T07:01:31Z

"I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were fifteen. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why."

leucadia @ 2004-03-24T22:43:00

2004-03-25T06:46:27Z

my cavalcade is seeing the red in your eyes and the veins under your skin. youth consumes the so well-defined contours in your face. i think of grabbing your hand and driving into the ocean.

leucadia @ 2004-03-21T21:26:00

2004-03-22T05:29:35Z

i've begun pulling the wires out of my arms. the contours of my limbs have yet to change, although i am beginning to accept that i will continue branching out the rest of my life. leaves will grow and leaves will fall. enough with deconstruction, i tell myself. no more unfolding (although spring is approaching). just the green blades of grass and the soft turqoise the illuminated heavens have to offer. and although i was prepared to lose myself in someone this upcoming next season, i realize that is not going to happen. i've lost my map out of enough people already. so here's to rewinding my state of mind. next time, whenever that may be, i will try to not lock myself up.

leucadia @ 2004-03-15T15:47:00

2004-03-15T23:50:31Z

i've not much else to write about now. maybe i should just let go of all this repetitive shit, writing-wise.

leucadia @ 2004-03-14T00:21:00

2004-03-14T08:24:20Z

re-posted:
chromatography of body and soul
x marks the spot where i dissolve; y in the middle and z at the top. you are in blue. you are dressed up in blue. the gray has been drained from your body. you break colors with a hammer - that hammer is your fist, and your fingernails are sore from scratching at your arms, hoping to leak out just a speck of relief. you tell me, "i write myself letters i want to be written, but the ink spills into intervals, and that is why i am constantly lost." you are still in blue. undressing the hues. peeling the violets and indigos off the bars you hide behind. orange falls, and yellow echoes your pain. the spectrum of your emotions is filling deep with greens and reds. your eyes are fading to blacks and whites - empty colors, broken soundwaves, zero degrees.

leucadia @ 2004-03-08T10:29:00

2004-03-08T18:30:34Z

this is lacking _________. any suggestions?

leucadia @ 2004-03-08T10:23:00

2004-03-08T18:28:21Z

it's just that ever since the cracks in my thoughts have began to heal themselves, things around me are as much of a bother as what went on inside before. i want to help. i feel like i've transfered all my problems over to other people.

i think the life that lies ahead is really starting to unfold.

leucadia @ 2004-03-07T23:35:00

2004-03-08T07:37:30Z

above me, a beautiful blue passion swallowed up by endless rows of clouds. i both created and destroyed the darkest night and now i sleep under a blanket of stars.

a new fire.

leucadia @ 2004-03-03T10:34:00

2004-03-03T18:44:26Z

i wanted these dead veins. i craved this ascension. these vaporous words spill from my mouth like blood from a wounded soldier. we've marched along this road for decades: the snow falls and the plants freeze, yet i continue walking in pallor from the bitter cold of winter and the dark glare of the stars. as i've waited, i've traced such neverending constellations; i've watched the sun burn brightly but never provide any warmth. if i could turn away, i would. if i could swim in this carcinogen for you, i would. if i could take away your bullets, i would. just give it a year, these scars will heal.

leucadia @ 2004-02-17T10:09:00

2004-02-17T18:13:39Z

i've recently discovered just how much i live through others' emotions. i do this whenever something comes up; i think i try to put other people's problems before mine because i try so hard not to be selfish. but now they really effect me, and i'm coming to believe that i feel their emotions just as roughly as i feel mine.

you know, i do not like being uncomfortable, but i should be more than used to it by now.

leucadia @ 2004-02-16T22:59:00

2004-02-17T07:02:00Z

starfields:
and yes, this time, i do believe i'm actually spinning. these bones feel black when i present myself in the front window. people flowing down the sidewalk overlook my large, quaint lips and my two-toned, haggard hair that pours over my forehead and bold blue eyes. it would be nice perhaps if i had a set of dark eyes to stare into, accompanied by a nice set of lips. it's interesting how things can unfold and overlap at the same time so quickly. it's difficult to keep my head straight, but maybe this is just how i was meant to think.

i've reached a denouement.
i can fall for you through photographs.

leucadia @ 2004-02-14T17:14:00

2004-02-15T01:17:06Z


marriage is love.